So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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