I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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