im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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