Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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