Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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