So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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