This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
