Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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