Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's always time for handjobs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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