I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Come back. Shots need mouths.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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