She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We got so high we made milksteak
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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