Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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