my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't put those talents on a resume
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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