i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think a kid would responsible me up
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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