i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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