Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
