Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
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Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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