this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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