please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
