My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
