im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
