ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
