my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
