I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
