i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
