You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
