I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
