And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
