So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
