why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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