God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i think i have two assholes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
