??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
