Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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