Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
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