Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
