So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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