Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
