Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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