Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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