she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
