Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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