How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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