Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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