I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
