here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
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They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.