I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.