does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping