and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch