I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof