I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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