Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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