Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
