is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
