normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
