I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
