I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Randomize
