my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
