i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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