The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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