I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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