I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
