Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
