how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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