Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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