1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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