He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
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I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.