I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
