Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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